My Graduated Return To Work

I feel like I'm always apologizing for not blogging more regularly.

But I am sorry.

This return to working full time has taken a lot out of me.
I'm still just at four hours a day. Great-West Life was awesome, and agreed that I could start my shift a bit later in the morning so I could get in some exercise before work.

I kept changing when I was exercising to see what worked best for me and my fatigue.

***I did want to say that exercise is very important for cognitive brain function, turns out,  there have been studies***

Getting some exercise in has been very important to my ongoing recovery.

I tried getting to the YMCA before work, but I was getting up at 5:30am to get to work afterwards, and by the time I got home after my mere four hours of working, I could barely unlock the door to the house. Then I tried going right after my shift, I was only able to exercise for 15 to 20 minutes, and I'd just about pass out. Finally I was going after my afternoon nap, I was able to get there at 5:30 or 6, by the time I finally got home, and had supper, it was nearly time to sleep again, but I was wide awake. For far too long. It started to effect how I would do the next day. Not cool.
Then my counselor suggesting pushing back when I start my day.

Brilliant. 

I asked her if she had a degree or something. 

I never thought that was an option.

Great-West Life agreed to it, so I've been doing that this past few months. It's worked out really well. My water bill is lower with showering at the YMCA. Now that the snow has finally melted away, I've been able to take Chaos running outside in the morning(he's very happy to not have to bundle up), then come home and do the exercises my physiotherapist and exercise therapist gave me, shower at the Y(low water bill), work, walk home, and nap.

My doctor and therapist have both recommended that I stay at 4 hours a day for the next year. I'm still sleeping an incredible amount, and I'm having a hard time getting socializing in. My friends and blog have been neglected, I really want to get back into painting and visual art again(it's so zen), and I'm trying to learn ukulele.
I know, I'm slipping back into my crazy routine. The problem is that I love so much. I want to do it all.

Mannie Update

Relaxing in the tub

Mannie is getting braver everyday.

Her safe place is the basement. Her litter box, chair(that I got at a garage sale for $5), toys, scratching post, water and food dish are down there. The dogs know they aren't allowed in the basement. They'll stand at the top of the stairs and wait while Abi or I are doing laundry.
We leave the basement door open for her to come and go as she pleases.
I leave my bedroom door open a smidge for her, so if she wanted to, she could snuggle with me at night, she could. The first two months she wasn't doing it. I decided I had to physically bring her upstairs and place her on my bed. So I did. Now she comes up to cuddle.
She is getting more confident around the dogs because of it.
Her and Chaos can hang out in the same room. They'll even share my bed with me for my afternoon nap.
Don't get me wrong, she's still nervous, but getting less and less nervous all the time.
She hisses madly at the dogs if any of them get too close.

Everything Is Harder With This Brain Injury

Please don't misunderstand. Some things have gotten easier.
With time and lots of practice.

• Printing's gotten easier because I practiced, a lot, hand-writing letters to my old friend, Sherri. She lives in New Jersey. I wrote obscene amounts of notes for myself to recall most everything.
• Walking's gotten easier because I practiced walking everyday with my dogs, I worked on it at physiotherapy, and it was a hell-of-a-lot-easier to navigate when the double vision corrected itself. 
• Talking is easier. I went to speech language therapy for a number of months. I'm sure that the tracheotomy had a lot to do with having to acquire those skills again. But I also remember having to think about how to physically make sounds to form words for a long time.
• Cooking got easier. Now, with cooking and baking, I didn't really do these things before the injury. But with time and loads of practice,  it's gotten much easier. 
• Belly dancing. This one is closely related to walking, with many of the same inhibitors. But I started to practice less than two months after the coma. I went to rehearsal every week, practiced on my own, and still performed. We don't perform anymore. Two of our dancers moved to other cities, and we decided we didn't want to anymore. But when we're together, we dance!
• Driving. I can drive now! So that's something. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder kept me from driving for two and a half years. That only really got better with counseling. And I guess time. Practice was important too. I did a driving evaluation at Wascana Rehab, and they said I needed 4 hours of instruction before I tried for my test. So I did, and I passed. Incredibly with no marks taken.
• Working. Relearning the skills of my job and building endurance. That's what the last 9 months has been about. But I'm at half time.

That brings me to what I actually wanted to blog about. Relationships. Relationships are proving to be tricky, and sometimes outright difficult. I'm not talking about romantic relationships exclusively. All relationships. With everyone. Okay, maybe not with nonhumans, but human relationships of all kinds. I have to sleep often because my brain becomes too fatigued.
My ABI rep explained it well at a fairly recent meeting with my bosses.
Because of the injuries to my brain, it can't really focus on one thing at a time effectively. It takes a lot of energy to block out everything else that's happening, and focus on a single task. The example he gave is that on the drive home from work, the drive becomes so familiar, it gets to a point that one can think about other stuff. Like what they're making for supper that night, which tv shows are on, what time Billy has piano practice, etc. Often, for the brain injured, we can't do that. We can only really think about driving. How close is that vehicle behind me, is anyone in the right lane, is that light turning yellow soon, should I slow down? The brain injured are a tired bunch. As he spoke, I wanted to cry. It was so true. It's getting easier to block out the sounds of other people on the phones around me, but I'm so exhausted when I'm done my 4 hours, I can't even be bothered to pull out the toaster for lunch when I get home.
Things that wouldn't ordinarily bother anyone, if I'm tired, frustrates me. Sometimes to the point that I want to be violent. I'm not a violent person. Being vegan is kind of the opposite of violence.
When this happens, I just need to sleep.

The point I was trying to get to, eventually, is that even though all of these tasks and skills took time and a lot of practice, they were all worth it. Okay, maybe not the working so much ;)

Yes, brain injuries make most things(everything) harder.
But it also makes the moments when it works, special.

Working & My Ongoing Recovery

I had a couple meetings with my work supervisor, the call centre manager, Human Resources and my Acquired Brain Injury rep, Dixon, to talk about how I'm doing.
I'm currently at half-time hours. Four hours in the morning.
Then I walk home, eat something, and crash out for three, to three and a half hours.

Kind of crazy.

The next question almost always, and understandably, to be asked is, "and how are you sleeping at night?"

Answer: Fine.
I'm in bed usually by 9:30 or 10, and I sleep through the night till my alarm wakes me in the morning.

I get about twelve hours a day. That's a lot of my day spent giving my brain the rest it needs. Not a heck of a lot of time for socializing.
During the week, I work for 4 hours in the mornings (which sounds sweet, right?), go home, have lunch, sleep for another 3 and a half hours, wake up, (sometimes walk to the YMCA for a spin class), eat supper, walk Chaos (sometimes with my boyfriend-I'll get into that someday, maybe...), watch an episode of The Golden Girls, then back to bed for work in the morning.
Weekends aren't much different. Instead of working in the mornings, I get groceries, be domestic (laundry, dusting, vacuuming, etc), and go to the YMCA.

I used to be very social. I had loads of friends that I regularly spent time with.
I can get pretty bummed out about this part of my injury. Humans are very social animals. I do suffer from brief bouts of depression. Which I'm told is super common for the brain injured.

Yup. Fatigue, anxiety, note-dependency, and depression. 

I know you're jealous of ALL my time off.
(sarcasm runs deep)

Which sometimes makes me wish it was more visible. You wouldn't know just by looking at me that I had a severe brain injury. I can do a lot.
Dixon tells me that only 20% of people with a severe brain injury return to working. I may never get back to working full time. Super bummer.

But hey...I'm working...am I right??