My Graduated Return To Work

I feel like I'm always apologizing for not blogging more regularly.

But I am sorry.

This return to working full time has taken a lot out of me.
I'm still just at four hours a day. Great-West Life was awesome, and agreed that I could start my shift a bit later in the morning so I could get in some exercise before work.

I kept changing when I was exercising to see what worked best for me and my fatigue.

***I did want to say that exercise is very important for cognitive brain function, turns out,  there have been studies***

Getting some exercise in has been very important to my ongoing recovery.

I tried getting to the YMCA before work, but I was getting up at 5:30am to get to work afterwards, and by the time I got home after my mere four hours of working, I could barely unlock the door to the house. Then I tried going right after my shift, I was only able to exercise for 15 to 20 minutes, and I'd just about pass out. Finally I was going after my afternoon nap, I was able to get there at 5:30 or 6, by the time I finally got home, and had supper, it was nearly time to sleep again, but I was wide awake. For far too long. It started to effect how I would do the next day. Not cool.
Then my counselor suggesting pushing back when I start my day.

Brilliant. 

I asked her if she had a degree or something. 

I never thought that was an option.

Great-West Life agreed to it, so I've been doing that this past few months. It's worked out really well. My water bill is lower with showering at the YMCA. Now that the snow has finally melted away, I've been able to take Chaos running outside in the morning(he's very happy to not have to bundle up), then come home and do the exercises my physiotherapist and exercise therapist gave me, shower at the Y(low water bill), work, walk home, and nap.

My doctor and therapist have both recommended that I stay at 4 hours a day for the next year. I'm still sleeping an incredible amount, and I'm having a hard time getting socializing in. My friends and blog have been neglected, I really want to get back into painting and visual art again(it's so zen), and I'm trying to learn ukulele.
I know, I'm slipping back into my crazy routine. The problem is that I love so much. I want to do it all.

Working & My Ongoing Recovery

I had a couple meetings with my work supervisor, the call centre manager, Human Resources and my Acquired Brain Injury rep, Dixon, to talk about how I'm doing.
I'm currently at half-time hours. Four hours in the morning.
Then I walk home, eat something, and crash out for three, to three and a half hours.

Kind of crazy.

The next question almost always, and understandably, to be asked is, "and how are you sleeping at night?"

Answer: Fine.
I'm in bed usually by 9:30 or 10, and I sleep through the night till my alarm wakes me in the morning.

I get about twelve hours a day. That's a lot of my day spent giving my brain the rest it needs. Not a heck of a lot of time for socializing.
During the week, I work for 4 hours in the mornings (which sounds sweet, right?), go home, have lunch, sleep for another 3 and a half hours, wake up, (sometimes walk to the YMCA for a spin class), eat supper, walk Chaos (sometimes with my boyfriend-I'll get into that someday, maybe...), watch an episode of The Golden Girls, then back to bed for work in the morning.
Weekends aren't much different. Instead of working in the mornings, I get groceries, be domestic (laundry, dusting, vacuuming, etc), and go to the YMCA.

I used to be very social. I had loads of friends that I regularly spent time with.
I can get pretty bummed out about this part of my injury. Humans are very social animals. I do suffer from brief bouts of depression. Which I'm told is super common for the brain injured.

Yup. Fatigue, anxiety, note-dependency, and depression. 

I know you're jealous of ALL my time off.
(sarcasm runs deep)

Which sometimes makes me wish it was more visible. You wouldn't know just by looking at me that I had a severe brain injury. I can do a lot.
Dixon tells me that only 20% of people with a severe brain injury return to working. I may never get back to working full time. Super bummer.

But hey...I'm working...am I right??

3-Year Collision Anniversary

My Echo Hatchback

Today it's been 3-years since the morning of the crash.

Crazy, right?!

It is a little unbelievable that I'm the same person.
I mean . . . I am...but I'm not, at the same time. If that makes sense . . .

I am the same girl that loves to paint and belly dance, spend time with dogs and cats (any nonhumans, really). Loves playing board games, and reading. Love laughing with friends and family. I still love music. Especially Ani Difranco's work.
There was a long time (like a year) that I couldn't recall the words to any of the music I adored. I distinctly remember, standing in my old kitchen, cleaning strawberries to juice, listening to Ani Difranco. Without consciously thinking, I began to sing along, and teared up because I remembered the words.

It was a beautiful moment.

I am pretty different.
I run. Which I never did before.
I no longer drink alcohol or smoke pot.
Previously I avoided any amount of confrontation. At any cost.
I did stop being a vegetarian, for crying in the sink! And not because I craved an animal's flesh, no, no, because I didn't want to fight and explain my reasons for being a vegetarian. That's what it came down to.
Now, I no longer recoil at the thought of having an open dialogue about being vegan or eating animals and their secretions. In fact, I welcome, and often encourage it, by bringing it up whenever possible. Always with a big, welcoming smile.
I still get very tired in groups with 5 or more people. I surmise it's because, in those situations, more than one conversation usually happens at once. The numerous conversations happening at the same time is exhausting. I try, with everything I have, to block out one while listening to another. It's really fucking tricky.
This is probably the same reason I still can't seem to follow a recipe with success while music is playing. But! I have had much success listening to folk music and driving to familiar places (like to my parents)!
So that's amazing!!
Violent movies and films are also a no go with me. After the coma, I became very sensitive to violent imagery, which  probably helped encourage me to become vegan.
I don't seem to have a very reliable filter either. That's my frontal lobes' doing. If I'm thinking about something, my next thought could be, "no, I won't bring that up right now", and as I'm thinking that, the previous thought will be coming out of my mouth. It's rather incredible that I haven't seriously messed up while on the phone at Great-West Life. Even there, the same thing occurs, I'm just lucky I haven't said  something terrible.
I like cooking and baking now. It's hard to say if that was a result of the brain injury, or becoming vegan. I relearned to follow recipes as part of my cognitive therapy while I was at Wascana Rehab. I love that I'm not having to handle some animals' cut up body parts or their stolen reproductive secretions. Bit of both, perhaps?

All that said, I really do prefer the person I've become. Life is all about evolving.

Like Ani Difranco sings,

"If you aren't getting happier as you get older, then you're fucking up."

Too Pooped To Blog...

As mentioned in a previous blog post, I began my graduated return to work at Great-West Life. It's been going well. I'm able to remember some things, so that's amazing.

The problem I keep running into is my fatigue level.
I started working for 2 hours on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays, but had to stay at that level longer than was anticipated. I would work (or rather: have training) for the two hours, get home on the bus, and sleep for 3 or 4 hours.

It was tough to fit in my other responsibilities. Namely housework, and other errands such as counselling and lawyer meetings (separating from Troy).
For housework, I try to help my parents since I am living with them again till I can find a new home. My Mom is also rather allergic to dogs and quite allergic to cats, so I'm always vacuuming or dusting.
My parents are not vegan, and I do much of my own cooking, meal planning and grocery shopping. Although, they are eating more whole foods, so that makes me happy.

Back to work!
I'm now working three hours. I think I'll try to keep it at that level for a couple more weeks before increasing it again.
I need to take four hours of driving lessons before I can take the road test. I'd like to get that taken care of, before I'm working more.

My intention was to blog more regularly again, but it does get tricky with my return to work (we're always pushing my fatigue-level), lawyer and mediation visits, counselling, driving lessons, and regular life stuff.
Life does get overwhelming.

My graduated return to Great West Life

I began my return to Great-West Life two weeks ago.
It's going surprisingly well.

Fatigue is a problem (this is extremely common for people recovering from brain injuries). I've been retraining for the group health and dental insurance call centre. That was my full time job at the time of the collision, and SGI has to try to return me to what I was doing at that time.
Originally, I handled health, drugs, dental and health care spending account inquiries.
We're starting with dental.

It seriously wrinkles my brain that I can somehow remember all of these dental service codes! I mean, not all of them, but, an incredible amount. There are women that go on maternity leave for a year and don't remember this stuff, but for some reason, me, with a severe brain injury who hasn't been at work for more than two and a half years, remembers.

How the . . . hell . . . ?
Why do I remember that 01202 is a recall exam?! And 11114 is four units (15 minutes)of scaling?!
I haven't thought about those dental procedure codes for a long time. Seriously. WTF.

Back to fatigue!
Right now, I'm working two hours in the mornings on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. I was supposed to move to four hours next week, but just the two hours knocks me out for the rest of the day.
Wow! Long naps!!
So, we're sticking to two hours for the next couple of weeks.

Great-West Life has been very gracious in my return. My Acquired Brain Injury rep, Dixon, says that they've been the most accommodating of all the companies he's worked with in returning the brain injured.
They have been stellar.

My Victim Impact Statement

Before I share my statement, I thought I'd define what a Victim Impact Statement is. Please also keep in mind that this was written mostly in December 2010. I kept a checklist of things to include in my statement, and I would add to that list whenever I thought of things.It seems really cold and removed, reading it now. There were a lot of rules about not abusing the offender with my words, and keeping it fact-based.  The police gave me a brochure of How To Complete a VIS.

• A VIS is about the victim, not the accused and should describe how the crime has affected the victim.
• Suggestions about the sentence should not be included in a VIS, because it is up to the judge to make sentencing decisions.
• A VIS must be legible.
• A VIS must be completed using the victim's own words.
• The victim should identify, in their VIS, their relationship to the offence and/or other victims.
• Vengeful comments should be avoided.
• A VIS may contain concerns about probation conditions. For example it may be important to state whether the victim does or does not want contact with the accused.
• Information regarding the facts of the offence should have been included in the Witness Statement, and should not be repeated in the VIS.
• A VIS should not contain complaints about the justice system or how the case was handled.

I also had the option of reading it in court. I did not. I don't want to even know what this guy looks like, for fear that anyone that looks similar to him will be unjustly judged by me.

Saturday morning, December 5, 2009.
My husband, Troy, was driving me to work (Metro Pet). Firefighters used the jaws of life to get Troy and I out of the car. Car was destroyed. It was my favourite/dream car. A lot of memories of great times in that car. Honeymoon trip, canoe and hiking trips, concert trips, etc.

I wasn't breathing on my own, I had a respirator. I was wearing a jacket that I loved, bought on our New York trip, April 2009. I was also wearing boots that were a gift. Both items of clothing were destroyed.

I was taken to the General Hospital by ambulance. Medical staff thinks I may have choked a bit on my own vomit. I was put in a coma so my body could focus on healing.

My belly dance performance group's Christmas Party was that evening. One woman I dance with works at the General in the lab and saw right away that something bad happened. All of my fellow dancers were always at the hospital. Party never happened.

On December 9, medical staff put in a trach because I still wasn't breathing on my own. I woke on December 12th, didn't open my eyes till the 13th.
Troy and I missed Brandt's (Troy's work) Christmas party.
I couldn't speak because of the trach. Luckily, I know sign language. Unluckily, the medical staff does not know any, and too bad only my sister knows the alphabet.

I had to relearn the things we take for granted, like how to walk, talk, print, simple math skills like subtraction, sit up in a chair, tie my shoelaces, etc.
I have severe damage to my right frontal lobe, and occipital lobe. I had double vision till April 2010 sometime. Double vision made everything harder.

The trach was removed on December 18. The scar is still healing.

I went to Wascana Rehab on Demcember 21, 2009. My condition was stable enough to be transfered. I no longer needed a catheter, feeding tube and the trach. At Wascana, I continued my physiotherapy, speech language therapy, and occupational therapy. Relearning walking, talking, etc till I was officially considered an out-patient. So instead of therapy every day, it was twice a week as of February 2, 2010.
Also in February, we missed our try-to-make-it-annual snowboarding trip to Fernie with 6 close friends. We had booked it in the fall.

As a result of my severe brain damage (I almost died) I easily become overwhelmed when more than 5 people are present and I'm easily frustrated or angered. I type much slower (typing skills are required for Great-West Life job-was full time). I must write/print slowly so my words are legible. Luckily with much practice things have gotten 'easier'. I used to have to think about the physical mechanics (how to make certain sounds) of speech, while speaking, which is absolutely exhausting! Today is December 2, 2010, so it was maybe last month I still had to do that! I usually get 12 hours of sleep a night (when I'm not tossing and turning) plus a 2 hour nap during the day. Sometimes more if there are many people around that day.

Words (vocabulary) escapes me. Both my jobs require communication. I've lost a lot of strength and balance. I used to be able to walk both our dogs by myself. Troy has to be there in case I fall or lose them. As of May 2010, I can walk them one at a time by myself, takes twice as long. Losing control is still an issue.

I can't seem to always 'hold it' when I have 'to go'.
Struggling with my creativity. I'm in a belly dance performance group and when it's time to improvise, I just stand there. I majored in visual art and minored in dance in university, so this was never a problem before.

Everything takes at least, if not longer, twice as long as it once did (walking, eating, reading, etc). It takes me an hour to draw something that used to take me 60 seconds.
I am unable to drive without more testing. I've lost a lot of independence and freedom. Got my motorcycle learners license in the fall 2009 because I had every intention to get my motorcycle's license to ride to Sturgis (bike rally in August) with Troy and his parents. Now I don't even have the endurance to just ride behind Troy for that trip.

I have no memory from about mid-November to mid-January. February and March are pretty fuzzy & memories are jumbled approximately 6 months before the collision.

I have to write everything down to remember. I have many notes & lists. I had started a holistic pet nutrition course for my Metro Pet job in October 2009, I've completely restarted that course. I have no memory of what I studied. They give you a year to finish, they've extended my time, but it could be 2 years to finish. My  right knee is sensitive but numb. It had a huge bruise that covered the front of my calf. Had to get nose piercing resized because it shrank. Was originally pierced 9 years ago.

Sometimes I am awake all night thinking about everything.

Currently going to counseling. I close my eyes at intersections, and now that it's winter again, I squeeze them closed.
Troy and I had just started taking our kitchen apart to do renovations before the collision. Kitchen renos at a standstill.

Time was stolen from Troy and I. I have zero memory from Christmas, we missed out on countless holiday celebrations & trips with friends, etc.

Oh yeah! Did I mention I had to relearn everything?