My Re-Introduction To Reading

Yes. My last post was nearly a year ago. A lot has transpired since my spine surgery.

I am not writing about any of that in this post. I was, however, inspired to write by a new Twitter friend, @beanloveblogger, when she tweeted me her own blog post about the similarities she found in reading the book, Warm Bodies by Isaac Marion, featuring zombies and her experiences with her own brain injury. I really appreciate her perspective. It very much reminded me of my almost identical experience comparing my brain injury experience with a book by Daniel Waters entitled Generation Dead. Oddly enough, also presenting zombies.

My Dad had found a copy of Generation Dead with a large display of books that were free for borrowing (or taking) at the Wascana Rehabilitation Centre. I was going to various therapies there, early in my recovery. At the same time, I had just received the prism for my eyeglasses to help with my diplopia, so I was seeing singularly and could read for a period without exhausting my healing brain.

Now, I do want to mention, that although I was 28 years old at the time, and Generation Dead was written for a much younger readership (amazon says it's for reading level grade 7 and up), I was quite childlike in my cognitive abilities.
My brain was horribly damaged mere months ago, give a lady a break.

As mentioned in previous posts, I love reading. Zombies were one of my favourite topics. This was well before The Walking Dead came to television.
See post: Zombie Love and Saving My Brain
Anyhoo. I was excited to read.
Generation Dead is a story about a phenomenon of teenagers coming back from the dead as "living impaired" or "differently biotic", and how the community handles the change. Specifically, this story focuses on three characters, all in high school. It was enthralling to me because a lot of the characteristics of the differently biotic were eerily similar to what I experienced learning to walk and talk again. They shuffled, and moved funny, they mumbled and their speech wasn't always clear. There were definite themes related to how we treat different groups of people (class, colour, ethnicities, sexualities, and abilities). But what I really took from the story (stories, really, I also read Kiss Of Life and Passing Strange) was that-and spoiler alert-the living impaired kids that were able to "recover" from their deadness were the kids that had love and support from friends and family. This is also very much true in how my recovery has played out. My family and friends were and are amazing throughout my life. They are part of the reason that I've recovered so well from the undead.

3-Year Collision Anniversary

My Echo Hatchback

Today it's been 3-years since the morning of the crash.

Crazy, right?!

It is a little unbelievable that I'm the same person.
I mean . . . I am...but I'm not, at the same time. If that makes sense . . .

I am the same girl that loves to paint and belly dance, spend time with dogs and cats (any nonhumans, really). Loves playing board games, and reading. Love laughing with friends and family. I still love music. Especially Ani Difranco's work.
There was a long time (like a year) that I couldn't recall the words to any of the music I adored. I distinctly remember, standing in my old kitchen, cleaning strawberries to juice, listening to Ani Difranco. Without consciously thinking, I began to sing along, and teared up because I remembered the words.

It was a beautiful moment.

I am pretty different.
I run. Which I never did before.
I no longer drink alcohol or smoke pot.
Previously I avoided any amount of confrontation. At any cost.
I did stop being a vegetarian, for crying in the sink! And not because I craved an animal's flesh, no, no, because I didn't want to fight and explain my reasons for being a vegetarian. That's what it came down to.
Now, I no longer recoil at the thought of having an open dialogue about being vegan or eating animals and their secretions. In fact, I welcome, and often encourage it, by bringing it up whenever possible. Always with a big, welcoming smile.
I still get very tired in groups with 5 or more people. I surmise it's because, in those situations, more than one conversation usually happens at once. The numerous conversations happening at the same time is exhausting. I try, with everything I have, to block out one while listening to another. It's really fucking tricky.
This is probably the same reason I still can't seem to follow a recipe with success while music is playing. But! I have had much success listening to folk music and driving to familiar places (like to my parents)!
So that's amazing!!
Violent movies and films are also a no go with me. After the coma, I became very sensitive to violent imagery, which  probably helped encourage me to become vegan.
I don't seem to have a very reliable filter either. That's my frontal lobes' doing. If I'm thinking about something, my next thought could be, "no, I won't bring that up right now", and as I'm thinking that, the previous thought will be coming out of my mouth. It's rather incredible that I haven't seriously messed up while on the phone at Great-West Life. Even there, the same thing occurs, I'm just lucky I haven't said  something terrible.
I like cooking and baking now. It's hard to say if that was a result of the brain injury, or becoming vegan. I relearned to follow recipes as part of my cognitive therapy while I was at Wascana Rehab. I love that I'm not having to handle some animals' cut up body parts or their stolen reproductive secretions. Bit of both, perhaps?

All that said, I really do prefer the person I've become. Life is all about evolving.

Like Ani Difranco sings,

"If you aren't getting happier as you get older, then you're fucking up."

Defeating My Driving Anxiety

As mentioned in a past post, I completed the Driver Assessment at Wascana Rehabilitation Centre in May 2012.
After the occupational therapists and driving instructor spent an entire day assessing my abilities, they concluded that I would benefit from 4 hours of driving instruction, that I would do fine if I drove for no more than an hour at a time (I become noticeably fatigued, and make silly decisions), a GPS, and an on-road driving test to renew my license.
The driving instruction would build my confidence (it had been more than two and a half years since I drove, plus that whole 'almost-dying thing'), and the GPS would help me find my way (my internal road-mapping was off).
In August 2012, I began my four hours (an hour at a time) of instruction. I learned to correct old, bad habits that I had developed after driving for ten years. It was good. And terrifying.
For my second hour, I had worked myself up so much that I had to cancel. I was having panic attacks just thinking about driving. Not cool.
After I cancelled that lesson, my good friend volunteered to talk on the phone with me prior to each lesson. It helped distract me from the building anxiety.
I practiced with my Dad after the lessons were complete. Like old times.
I did pretty well parallel parking while with the driving instructor, but I could not parallel park with my Dad. It was ridiculous, and very frustrating.

Alas, the test date had come: September 18, 2012. 9am.
The tester was a friendly, and patient woman (can't recall her name). The first thing she had me do was parallel park. Goody
It was a beautiful parallel park. I would've had that parallel parks' babies.
We did some downtown driving on the one-ways. She noticed the vegan buttons I have on my purse. She asked if I was vegan, I happily replied, "Indeed, I am". We talked almost the entire time about veganism. It was really rad. I felt remarkably relaxed.
When the test was about three quarters of the way complete, I shared with her that I had to do this assessment as a result of my severe brain injury.
She was amazed. She never would have guessed that I had a brain injury. I thanked her, and we talked about my brain injury and the experience of my driving anxiety. By this point, we were a block away from the building, and she revealed that she hadn't taken any points. I had passed. With a 100%!!!
I was...astounded! No points deducted?! I did everything correctly?!?!
I asked if it would be inappropriate to hug her, and she replied, "not at all". I was so happy and amazed.
I'm still so happy and amazed.
I had already resigned to the fact that I would probably need to take the test a second time.

I think I want to frame the assessment paper. There are no marks on it. Incredible.

Reflecting: Revised

When we are close to death, we tend to re-evaluate our lives.
I'm not sure about people with something terminal, but from what I hear they do. I know that I certainly re-evaluated my life, looking back, you know, after I was able to remember anything from my life prior to the hospital.
When I can remember, I reflect.
I found this to be especially true when learning to navigate with my new brain. Correction. My old, slightly-damaged, 'new' brain.

I get access to my 30 year catalogue of memories with different smells, or even just the way the air feels. It's very sci-fi, and surreal feeling.
Like Dali, but with an iPad.
I'm told that my brain had to find new pathways to deliver information because the old pathways were destroyed when my brain was rammed to and fro in my skull.
It is finding new pathways, all of the time! 

There was a short time that I would get confused by smells. I was sure our breakfast cereal had been contaminated by fish(this was pre-vegan). Troy assures me, our cereal was never fishy. I do remember not doing well on the smell identification portion of my first neuro-psychological assessment. It seems to have fixed itself, I don't misidentify things through scent anymore. Hooray!
Let's also remember that I had double vision for a short period of time.
My vision and scent messages found new pathways. <shrug> Why not memory?

After reflecting, it became clear to me that I had entirely too much going on in my life.
People told me this all the time, I just never saw it till I was literally knocked out, and was forced to truly slow down.
I was working a full time job at Great West Life and a part time job at Metro Pet Market, I had weekly belly dance rehearsals with eXalta6, and I was taking an online pet nutrition course. Add in painting and reading for fun, taking the dogs out and being, generally, a really social person equals a girl that needs a break.
<sigh>
I get anxiety just reading about my past life.

I will not become that again.
Luckily(?), fatigue won't allow for that, which is probably good. Although, as my brain heals more, I find myself doing exactly as I did before. Too much. Troy has to ask me daily, "is that crucial?"
I am completely guilty of taking on too much(I hear that's common). Then I play myself out, and I miss important things because I'm sleeping.

This is what I came up with after much thought:

• Veganism is where it's at. 

I don't want to participate in the violence inherent in these industries: meat, dairy, eggs, honey, wool, fur, leather, silk, vivisection, circuses, zoos, etc. So I'm not.

• Slow Down.

Silly story!  While at Wascana Rehab, at my various therapies, Troy would bring a little sign that said "SLOW DOWN!", and he would place it in front of me each time I was trying to do something too quickly. We even talked about Troy getting that tattooed on his fingers.

• Exercise.

Not only is this beneficial to your body, it helps your brain function. You know, since the brain is part of the body. Studies show that physical activity improves cognitive function.

• I have the BEST friends and family. EVER.

This became crystal clear once I was able to see what everyone has done for us.
Not to mention to emotional support. First off, there was a guest book in my hospital room that everyone wrote in that came to see my family and I.
I still get weepy, only not uncontrollably now, when I read that book. Our friends and family also helped care for our dogs and cat, our family cooked meals, Tyler stayed with Troy while I was in the hospital, I'm sure there's way more I can't think of right now!

Reflecting after nearly dying has been good. It has allowed me to really look at my life, and  my decisions.
It does beg the question though: Was a coma necessary? 

Talking Vegan To Strangers

One of the things that Colleen Patrick-Goudreau says, is that she makes sure that the topic switches to veganism during her conversations with strangers.
That sounds wonderful and everything, but I have this severe brain injury and . . .

At first, it seems like a lot of pressure to perform for 'the vegan cause'. You already know that my speaking skills are not always accessible to me, but I'm finding myself doing the very same thing. Despite my occassional lack of vocal finesse.


For example, this Fall while at the dentist, I asked the dental hygienist, if she could sometimes identify what she was cleaning out of people's teeth. She said, for sure she could. Especially meat, and popcorn kernels. Perfect!! She brought up meat!!! 

I told her that she shouldn't find any animal carcasses in my teeth. She asked if I was vegetarian, I told her that I'm vegan, and we talked nutrition for awhile. It was cool!

Not a lot of days later, I was taking a cab home from Wascana Rehab, and it came up again! The driver asked what I did last night and I began to tell him about watching Forks Over Knives. I explained how the film was about the health benefits of eating only plants. I told him I was vegan. I had to explain the differences between vegetarians and vegans, but it was awesome!
I also like to make it perfectly clear to the wait staff at restaurants that I'm vegan. I always smile big when I tell them. I don't want to be one of those vegans, all mad, and angst-y.

When at Subway, and they ask what type of cheese I'd like, I smile and reply, "no, I'm vegan."Once they find out I'm vegan, they sometimes tell me that they're 'only vegetarian' , I usually reply with, "Great! You're halfway there!" Big smile.

It's really cool to see that so many people actually want to talk about veganism. I sometimes get bummed out when it seems like no one wants to know the truth. It does get discouraging when people throw up their  hands and say, "I don't want to know!" But, as I was saying, I've been pleasantly surprised by the interest that many have shown! When people ask if being vegan is hard, I tell them honestly, "It was tricky to start, because it can seem like animals are in everything, but once I learned what to look for and got my new eating habits down, it's been delicious and simple."
Planting seeds!

Driving and I

I'm currently not driving.
Because of my brain injury, my driving insurer, SGI, requires my physician to fill out a questionnaire regarding my abilities. Namely, whether she recommends that I complete the written driving test, or just the driving assessment, or both, or that I should, or shouldn't drive, or what.
They sent the form back in the spring of 2010. One of my occupational therapists advised not to get it completed till I was psychologically ready to drive. I'm not.  
I still get anxiety in vehicles. Not as bad as before, thanks to counselling, but I still sometimes close my eyes at busy intersections.

I may have mentioned this before, and if I have, forgive me, my memory isn't great.
Troy was driving me to Metro Pet Market that Saturday morning for work. I hadn't had time to renew my driver's license(yes, I was that busy!), and we just had the Echo, and Troy's Harley, for motorized transportation. This was December 5 in Saskatchewan, we don't ride in the winter. Well, some do, I've seen them, but we don't. Troy needed the car that day, and I was working all day. Troy was driving me to work.
The collision happened in a quiet, residential intersection, 2 blocks from our house. How fucked is that?! 

We had a yield sign.
We yielded. Like we do at every yield sign, especially where we live. We have seen far too many people ignore them, with terrible results! We live near two high schools and we've seen how those kids drive. Damn rights, we yielded!
Now, I don't remember any of this. This is what Troy tells me, and I truly believe him. I really do. It wouldn't surprise me if Stand By Your Man, started to play in your mind. That's fine.
I would be lying, if I said I never wondered, even for a moment, if that was the case, but I really do trust Troy's driving. I still feel remarkably safe with him.
We yielded, and looked, and Troy says there was no vehicle coming to his left, he checked right, started to go across the intersection, and there was a Dodge Durango very close to his left window. We were t-boned.
We spun up the road, past the church and four houses, jumped the curb, through a hedge, hit a tree, and then slammed into the front porch of a house.
The Durango, I'm not completely clear what path it took, but my general understanding is that it jumped a curb, and took out a tree. The people in the other vehicle fled the scene. There was open liquor in the Durango, but they weren't caught till later that day, so couldn't be tested for drunk driving.

So that explains my anxiety about intersections.

I take cabs to whichever appointment I have. SGI pays the cab company for these trips. I have a file number.
As well, for picking up groceries if Troy and I can't go together. Those trips are at my cost. Luckily, I only have a 20 minute walk Extra Foods. Although, there's a lot of stuff they don't carry, like kale. But they do sell Daiya! I walk most places. I live in the perfect neighbourhood, with close access to most things.

I worked on the driving simulator at Wascana Rehab. The other vehicles in this simulator were driven by crazy drivers! Totally realistic in that way that real driving can be! No . . . this simulator doesn't use people to be drivers, the other vehicles were controlled by the computer.

I do get crazy anxious when in a vehicle for an extended period of time. For example, in the summer, we drove from Regina, Saskatchewan to Vancouver, British Columbia to visit friends and family. It was a great drive. Troy and I rocked out to LMFAO and Lonely Island, and listened many episodes of  Vegetarian Food For Thought for the 20 hour drive. I wasn't feeling overtly anxious. Nothing note-worthy. Other than sweating like a pig!
Which is a totally inaccurate idiom. Pigs don't sweat. This is why they're shown as dirty and muddy. Like elephants, they roll in the mud to cool themselves, keep bugs away, and protect their skin from sun damage. Sweating like a human, would be much more accurate. They also don't like to defecate where they sleep. Very clean non-humans!
Anyway! I was sweating badly, and for no real reason. I mean, it was hot out, but our current car(Matrix) has AC. I was also washing off my stinky armpits and reapplying pit stick at every bathroom break. Didn't seem to matter, I was a stinky mess. We had even packed some camping gear, so we could stop and camp on our way to Van. I stank so badly, that we stayed at a hotel in Castlegar, so I could shower and start over. Apparently, this was anxious sweating. It still happens. Hopefully, not for too terribly long.
I have been healing quite well and quick. Next summer, maybe I won't be sweating terribly.
It's nice to dream.

***update~Defeating My Driving Anxiety***

How My Veganism Has Helped My Brain Injury

I know that there are people in my life that don't understand how I could possibly be getting enough nutrients to help my brain.
I am getting far more nutrients than most! But I'll leave that for another post.

What I'd like to write about is the act of becoming vegan. Or of transitioning away from consuming animals and their secretions, to consuming plants, and about my brain's rehabilitation.
For those that don't know, I never cooked prior to becoming vegan. Troy likes to say that I could burn water. He did all of the cooking.
After the car collision, and the coma, and tubes and such, I started my various therapies: physiotherapy, speech language therapy, exercise therapy, occupational therapy, and eventually recreational therapy. My occupational therapy, once I mastered the basics of sitting up and walking, consisted of following simple directions to accomplish a task. The tasks would gradually get more complicated and distractions were also added to see how I would do.
Some of the activities we did was: board games and card games, puzzles and tests, baking and cooking, following a recipe, and other things that I'm sure I'm forgetting.
I have to say that the baking and cooking didn't go great the first few times. Troy had to jump in to save me(or the dish I was making) more than once!
This was prior to becoming vegan. I still saw double, and I wasn't loving reading the way I had adored it before. I hadn't started reading the vegan books yet.

It didn't take long to realize that I had to learn to cook if I wanted to be vegan. I thought Troy would never learn to cook plants. And certainly not just plants.
He adores the taste and texture of any animal's flesh!
Please don't misunderstand. I didn't stop eating animals because I didn't care for the taste of them anymore. I stopped eating them because it's wrong!
I decided that I needed to learn to cook. Namely, to not burn water! (joke)

                                           I did just that.

I bought The Vegan Table by Colleen Patrick-Goudreau. Simply because I appreciate her writing style. I was familiar with her stuff from using The Joy of Vegan Baking.
In her baking book, she even gets down to how to read a recipe! Her recipes are simple to understand. Crucial to me! On account of never cooking before, and this pesky brain injury. I love how the ingredients are somewhat familiar. Lots of plants that I've never eaten before, but are commonly-found in major grocery stores! The truly beautiful thing is that, currently, we can get all of the ingredients between 2 different grocery stores: Dad's Organic Market, and the Real Canadian Superstore!  Especially now that veganism is moving more into the mainstream. Very exciting!!


Because I seem to get distracted,<ahem> and forget ingredients and steps, I take steps to prevent this from happening. Or really, just set myself up for success.

1)No music.
2) Put all of the corresponding measuring tools and ingredients on the counter. I like to place the ingredients in order on the counter, as they're added to the dish, and putting the measuring device next to the ingredient. Or just pre-measure it.
3)Put the ingredients away as I use them. This way, if vanilla extract is still on the counter, I know that I didn't use it.

I'm so happy that I learned to nurture myself, my family and friends! Learning to cook has been fantastic cognitive therapy!
Following instructions, measuring ingredients, calculating cooking times, learning the cooking terminology and techniques, meal planning, trouble-shooting, and veganizing loved dishes!
All wonderful brain exercises! All of these tasks are either exactly the same, or very similar to the exercises I did, or tried at Wascana Rehabilitation Centre.
Yes, it could be argued that I didn't have to become a vegan to do any of this. Fair enough.
But before, I didn't care enough to even try to learn! 

Zombie Love and Saving My Brain

Way back when Troy and I started dating, almost 10 years ago(just, let me pretend it was a long time ago, okay?), we had Shitty Movie Sunday every Sunday!

We would watch two B-rated movies(often featuring zombies) with our friends. We would eat junk food(some definitely was not vegan!), watch and (lovingly) make fun of each film. It was a great time! We watched a lot of shitty movies. A lot! The only problem was, I was starting to have zombie nightmares. Often.

They were terribly frightening!

Lucky for me, The Zombie Survival Guide written by Max Brooks, was released not long after my nightmares started! Troy, my sweet boyfriend, gave me his copy to read.

Boy howdy!
I am super happy this was written! And that I read it! I learned a megaton about how to protect myself from the walking dead, and it was really showing in my nightmares. I actually feel somewhat prepared for the zombie apocalypse! I mean, I still should probably take a martial art. But now I know to avoid places like the hospital, police station, and churches!
It didn't take long for my nightmares to go away, and I read World War Z once that was released in 2006. Which was a great read! I absolutely recommend the book! Excited to see the film! Well, we'll see...maybe.  I'm torn! I'll get to it!

Flash-forward to my time spent at Wascana Rehab, I was trying to navigate with my double vision and my severe brain injury. Troy was encouraged by the medical professionals to leave me at home, by myself, so I could regain some independence. It wasn't that long ago that Troy helped me with e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g.! 

The problem I was running into, when I was home alone: I was terrified that zombies would bash through the door, and eat my brain! I was 28 at this point! Surely, Alyx, you know that isn't going to happen! Logically? I totally knew it wouldn't happen! But, from what I have since learned from counselling(don't judge me!), is that these anxious fears are not logical, nor rational. 

Thankfully, after a few weeks, my brain had healed more, and it occurred to me that it's February, in Saskatchewan. Any zombie outside would, literally, be frozen solid! And probably til mid-April/early-May! 

I did get over my fear of zombies eating my brain. I realized, not long after my anxiety regarding zombies had dissipated, that what I was really fearful of, was my brain getting further damage! 

What a revelation!

I still don't want to watch zombie movies. Or anything violent, or that has monsters. No ghosts before bed!

I find myself still sensitive to violence, almost 2 years later, which doesn't make sense to me! It isn't like I was robbed at knife-point, or raped!

I guess being inside a car while it's smashed to bits is plenty violent.

I will clarify: I still love the idea of zombies!
My good friend, and fellow belly dancer, gave me my first vegan t-shirt last year! I love it! It is so funny to me! I even bought two more in different colours! Light blue and orange. They are rad!

Speaking of vegan zombies!
Check out The Vegan Zombie! Enjoy!

This is Stephen Torrence signing Jonathan Coulton's Re: Your Brains. I really like it! I hope you appreciate it as well!

Recovery Timeline

My sad little Echo Hatchback

Saturday, December 5, 2009-car collision

Monday, December 7, 2009-Mallory and Renee got a guest book for my hospital visitors to sign and write messages to me

Wednesday, December 9, 2009-Tracheotomy put in

Saturday, December 12, 2009-waking from the coma, eyes not open yet. Anniversary of my older sister's death! (on December 8th, my mom predicted this is when I would wake! How exciting is that?!?)

No tracheotomy yet

Sunday, December 13, 2009-opened my eyes!

Monday, December 14, 2009-sign language to my sister that she has bad coffee breath! I stood in physio.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009-IV is removed, I continue to try to pull the feeding tube from my nose(I hear this was a big problem with all of my tubes, I had to be strapped down)

Wednesday, December 16, 2009-bit my mom's
hand. (She tried to keep me from pulling out    my various tubes) Introduced pureed food!

Trach in throat, feeding tube in nose

                                            Swallowing test to see if I can drink some thick liquid, and no more catheter!

Thursday, December 17, 2009-no more feeding tube! Just pureed food and thickened liquid!

Friday, December 18, 2009-I started to take out the trach, so they had to remove it :] My first words after the trach was removed was 'butterscotch' and then I said, 'it's gross.'(That was clearly not me! I love butterscotch!)

Saturday, December 19, 2009-Greeted my mom with, "Good morning, Mom. How are you?"


Sunday, December 20, 2009-Chaos came to see me!

Tuesday, December 22, 2009-another swallowing test! Now I can have minced food. Practiced stairs at physiotherapy in case I  was going home for Christmas!

Monday, December 21, 2009-transferred to Wascana Rehabilitation Centre. Unit Two on the 3rd floor                                                             Wednesday, December 23, 2009-Going home for Christmas! Troy    and I stayed over at my parents house.

Sitting up, still tired

Monday, January 4, 2010-off all medications!

Tuesday, January 5, 2010-get eyes checked, new glasses prescription and maybe a prism.

Monday, January 11, 2010-new glasses and a prism

Wednesday, January 20, 2010-returned to belly dance rehearsal!(See! A month and a half off dance after a coma is not bad! Not bad at all!)

Thursday, January 24, 2010-first time left at home alone for 2 hours!


Monday, January 25, 2010-SNOW DAY!!! First one ever! I've never had a snow 

day! It was awesome!

Wednesday, January 27, 2010-tried drawing, takes way longer now.

Thursday, January 28, 2010-balance test-again!

Tuesday, February 2, 2010-I'm officially an out-patient! Therapies 3 times a week rather than 5.

Monday, February 8, 2010-appt with Opthamologist re:dual vision

Sunday, February 28, 2010-Sewed on my sewing machine! I remembered how to thread the machine!!

Tuesday, March 2, 2010-get a prism for my glasses

Saturday, March 20, 2010-My first performance after the crash! It went alright, considering, but I did it!!

Monday, April 19, 2010-no more diplopia!

May 2010-bought and read Skinny Bitch, start to slowly transition to veganism

Tuesday, June 22 & 23, 2010-My first neuro-psychological assessment! Two days long, that's right! Apparently, they found I wasn't faking the brain injury! People fake this?!

Wednesday, June 29, 2010-last day of therapies at Wascana Rehab!


Saturday, September 12, 2010-I'm officially vegan!

Journal Entries After

In January 2010, while at the Wascana Rehabilitation Cenre, I was encouraged by one of my occupational therapists to keep a journal. My printing had improved a great deal! I was no longer writing each letter on top of the last one, which, I hear was a problem. I have some of the papers I wrote on at that time-it's rather funny!
But reading through my old entries, I can see my brain healing. At first it was very, this happened, then that happened. It was very...almost clinical. I would describe events as good, or went well. I couldn't even articulate that I was seeing double till that first week of January. Maybe I wasn't seeing double before then, I don't know, can't recall.
My printing was also improving, but I can really see when I was tired! The print is much worse on those days!
This is the way I wrote it, so if the English and grammar are off, it's because I have a severe brain injury.
My first entry:

Monday January 11, 2010
I had occupational therapy @ 9:45am. Went with Troy & my mom. I finished the test. It doesn't surprise me that I remember visual things. I'm a very visual person. 
I did more stuff on the light thing, so that was good. We did more complicated with double digit numbers. It was hard because my vision won't always let me see the lights, so I was looking for them & missed the numbers.
I also read which was also challenging, in that I got a slightly different meaning from the paragraph.
Then Troy and I had a nap. Well, I closed my eyes. It's too loud at the hospital to sleep. Then we went to the cafeteria and had poutine & pudding for lunch.
After lunch was the meeting @1pm. Troy, my parents & Troy's dad was there. That went well. After the meeting we met with Richelle from ABI. That was good. Talked a little bit about Troy's brain injury.
Then we had a short nap(eyes closed), then exercise therapy@2:30. We sat there for 15 minutes & finally asked about Betty. She wasn't in. Doesn't seem to be good communication between the therapists & the ward. A bit of a gongshow. But we got a therapist. I taught her how to shimmy.
Then we went and got our new glasses. Mine are real clear but man I see double now!
We went home, let our dogs out, cleaned the kitchen, took out the garbage &the paper recycling, & went to my parents for supper, & visited with my grandparents that just happened to visit my parents as well. My grandpa is having a lot of health problems, so he had something to complain about! This time. He's a bit of a pessemist. 
Then went home, fed the cat, & let the dogs out again. Then homework, & tv. And bed.

The test I finished, was one of the many different assessments for my progress. I was tested every week. For something. Sometimes it was balance, sometimes it was comprehension, sometimes it was following instructions, sometimes it was problem solving. Different every week.

Wow, I was messed up!

"The light thing" is called a Dynavision. It is for facilitating training of looking and scanning throughout the whole visual field. (I had emailed Dixon, and he told me! See, he's got my back! I wanted to call it a 'draise machine', but that's not right!!) I was having an especially hard time with this because of my double vision. My therapists say I did well, despite the dual vision.

It's interesting that I couldn't sleep while at Wascana Rehab. I was too distracted by all the monitors and beeps and the intercom, to sleep. It's interesting, because before the brain injury, I could sleep through anything! Seriously. Back when Troy and I were just dating, him and 6 of his friends decided to play Halo. It got quite animated and loud, but I still fell asleep on the coach behind them. I guess my brain had a hard time blocking out those sounds now.
Poutine and pudding for lunch? Yup, definitely not vegan yet. I had animal pieces and/or their secretions at every meal. Every meal! And I went vegan!

At first I saw Richelle Love from the Acquired Brain Injury Outreach Team. She was filling in  for Dixon, and Dixon was filling in for someone on maternity leave at the General Hospital. Richelle was my rep for the first year of my recovery. Then Dixon returned, and she went back to being an Occupational Therapist in the Adult Rehabilitative Program at Wascana. So, either way, I would've seen her! She was is very nice, and friendly, and helpful!
Troy also had a brain injury in the collision. His is considered minor because he has no recollection of losing consciousness. Apparently, the severity is based on how long you're unconscious. Just learned that!
My grandpa had colon cancer. He doesn't anymore, now. He lived, just no more cancer! Back when I wrote that entry, he did. I just wasn't putting it all together!
My grandpa is absolutely a pessimist! My sister, Mallory, and I always say, "There could be not-a-cloud-in-the-sky, but he'll still say 'it's gonna rain and the crops don't need it!'" That's my grandpa. I love him! He's taught me how not to be! I try to stay positive through everything. I'm a lot like my mom(his daughter) that way.
My 'homework' was to play solitaire for cognitive therapy, or to practice drawing-again. <sigh> How much did I spend on a Visual Arts degree?? Sheesh!

Acquired Brain Injury Outreach Team ABI

I get brain support from a medical professional. His name is Dixon and he's an occupational therapist. He works for the Acquired Brain Injury Outreach Team. He's one of many different medical professionals that give support to people with acquired/traumatic brain injuries.
I know he's got my back! If anything comes up, or if I'm having trouble with anything, I call or email him, and he helps however he can, or gets me in touch with people that can help.
He also reports back to SGI(Saskatchewan Government Insurance-vehicle insurance) on my progress. SGI is currently replacing my wage, since I am, by definition, now disabled. (sounds like I should just be drooling)
They're also paying a small amount for my 'care'. They paid more when I couldn't walk, or shower, or go to the bathroom, or eat without help. Now, it's just the driving that I cannot do.
I will say: I am super happy I don't remember any of that!! How mortifying! 

Sorry-got distracted!
I used to work on the driving simulator with Dixon at Wascana Rehabilitation Centre. It was pretty cool. The other drivers on the simulator are pretty realistic. They cut you off all the damn time! It gets really frustrating.
I did see my rep every two weeks. Then it was every month, and most recently, every two months! Dixon was complaining that he has very little work to do with me. I'm pretty independent and I am fairly able.
Now, I'm not sure what ABI's official stance is on veganism. But Dixon is a vegetarian!
I've seen numerous doctors(& nurses & dietitians), and they are all well-aware that I am vegan. (I am plenty-proud of my veganism, and I tell everyone!)
Plus, I like to think that Dixon is pretty convinced that my brain function is stellar, considering! And I like to say it's because I'm vegan! Whether Dixon truly believes that . . . is something else. I'll ask him.

My Brain Injury Details: Right Frontal Lobe

My occipital lobe and my right frontal lobe were damaged in the crash.
The frontal lobes affect your personality and is the emotional control center.
They control motor function, problem solving, spontaneity, memory, language, initiation, judgement, impulse control, and social and sexual behaviour.

For sure my motor function was, and still is, affected. My balance isn't quite right. I can no longer walk by myself with both our dogs together, without somehow loosing them, or falling over, or getting knocked over when they see a squirrel. I spent some time at physiotherapy and exercise therapy at Wascana Rehab, working on motor function.

Problem solving was a problem.
There were many puzzles I had to try to solve during my occupational therapy.
There was more than one that I could not figure out! That was one reason I was excited for my second neuro-psychological assessment. Turns out the psychologist never had me redo any of those puzzles, though I did kick that test in the balls!
My brain function has improved greatly! (feels really weird to be writing that...) My memory has also gotten a million times better!

Christmas 2009, holding a puppy

I do recall little moments from Christmas that year, after the hospital. I remember being at Troy's uncles place, and being super confused when I interacted with Troy's ex-sister-in-law.
Why is she here?! It really stuck out in my brain.

I remember a moment at Troy's aunt and uncles farm, and holding a puppy. (I love dogs, in case that wasn't clear!) Other than that, I remember waking in my hospital bed at Wascana Rehabilitation Centre and being so confused!
Why am I here?! 
Lucky for me, Troy told me each day why I was at the hospital, especially while at the General Hospital, it wasn't as often at Wascana. Gah, I love that guy!!
But day-to-day was harder. I couldn't remember what I did moments prior. My mom gave me a little notebook to keep notes with me. It was handy for a long time. I had many notes and lists.

Language was also an area I was having a tough time with. When speaking, I had to think about the physical mechanics of speaking. How do you make a long 'a' sound? It was exhausting!!
It took awhile to say anything, and often, really often, I would just plum forget the word I wanted to use. Sort of like the word is almost at the tip of my tongue...but it's further back, sometimes way further back.
My occupational therapist and speech language therapist said that I can try a similar, but different word when that happens. For example, if I can't think of the word 'chair', I can say 'sit-table'. Okay, yes, not perfect, but way better than what I was coming up with. Which was nothing.

Silly story!
Troy and I had started renovating our kitchen when we had crashed, so there was lots to talk about once I was well enough. We were chatting about the changes, and I said, "Could we get a new oven-head?" Troy replied, with a wry smile, "Yeah a 'range-hood' would be good. " It was really cute.

Mid-November 2009 till mid-January 2010 are lost somewhere in my mind. Six-months prior to the crash is really jumbled. It's a good thing I was in the habit of writing events on a calendar, or I wouldn't know if we went hiking in Manitoba before or after visiting New York City.

Troy tells me that one day he was with me(sans trach now), in my hospital room with my grandma, and I asked Troy when we could be intimate again. He assures me that my grandma probably didn't hear . . .or she pretended not to hear. Either way! Who talks like that?! "Be intimate"...it's actually rather adorable.

So that would be an impulse control problem.

Initiation is not a problem. My motivation to be 'normal', for sure helps in that area. I have no problem starting a project. The example given to me at Wascana, is that often the brain injured can see and recognize what needs to be done(ex. house needs to be vacuumed), but they often don't seem to realize that the vacuum cleaner needs to be taken out of the closet.

Now, whenever I can do or remember something that I couldn't before, I say "Yay, brain!!!".
Gotta celebrate the little victories!